I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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