he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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