im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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