maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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