I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
