Im at strip club and am horny
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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