Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
