I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
