He had one of those small greek statue penises
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
