I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
