btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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