If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
