remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
