Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
