Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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