Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
