you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
