When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
