Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
