During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
