is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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