Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
