Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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