I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
