I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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