I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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