Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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