I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
