So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
