Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
