Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's shark week go big or go home
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
