i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
