I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
