I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
