FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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