I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
