No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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