Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
