Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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