I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
