I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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