I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
