she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
