There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
