So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
