Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
