The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
