My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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