why didn't you poke me back
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
