Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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