So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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