i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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