Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
