I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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