You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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