i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's shark week go big or go home
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
