Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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