I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
