I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize