i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
